One thing that has been the by product of undertaking the Golfathon, strangely, is guilt.

A strange feeling, when you think about the fuzzy feeling I get everytime I see that someone has made a donation, but the guilt is definatley there, and I think I have finally figured out why.

I spent nearly 13 years in the Royal Air Force as a medic.  My last tour was at RCDM Birmingham, working in the aeromed cell, arranging the repatriation of sick and injured members of HM British Forces, and ensuring they received the best possible treatment when they got to us.

The hours were long (more often than not, we were usually working a minimum of 17-18 hour days, working out at well over 110-120 hours per week), the days were emotionally draining (seeing young guys, there whole lifes ahead of them returning with life changing injuries), and we often forgot what food was!

My feeling of guilt comes not from the standard of work I gave, because I was good at my job (even if my admin was not the greatest!), I loved my job in fact, knowing that I was doing something to help these lads & lasses coming back from the “sharp end”, to return (as much as was possible) to a normal semblance of life.  No, my guilt comes from the fact that I left the RAF. 

I see the pictures from places in Afghanistan, and it’s weird, I want to be there, living the life as a member of the Armed Forces, and the worst possible feeling is knowing that this will not happen now.  I had the opportunity, I was told I had pre-deployment training commencing the first week in October 2005, which would have been great, except for one thing, I was getting married on the 1st October, and going on my honeymoon on the 3rd!  My new wife was not going to take kindly to postponing the wedding just for me to wander about a field in Wiltshire for a couple of weeks!

Due to alot of departmental politics things at work deteriated massively, resulting in me sitting in the Departures lounge at Belfast City Airport (I was doing an Aeromedical Evacuation at the time) filling out my PVR paperwork.

I have been away from military life for very nearly 6 years, and it’s only now I realise how much I miss it!  Missing it to the extent I have started looking at the possibility of re-enlisting as a reserve, be it RAF, or Army.  Further details to follow!!